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elwinfortuna) wrote2023-01-14 01:02 pm
elwinfortuna) wrote2023-01-14 01:02 pm
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Fannish Fifty #2: 7 Warning Signs of Fannish Scammers, Grifters, & Toxic People
Over my roughly 23 years in fandom, I've witnessed a number of scam artists, grifters, and otherwise bad actors within fandom. I've had the good fortune, but also the wariness and caution, to not be taken in by these people. So today, for my second Fannish50, I'm going to talk about signs of scam artists and other kinds of grifters, gaslighters, and toxic people in fandom that have become apparent to me over the years and have helped me avoid them.
First of all, I would like to very much stress, these people are absolutely the minority in fandom. Most people in fandom are great! Most people are more or less honest, non-manipulative, and decent. Even if you have a falling-out with someone, it doesn't mean that person is a scam artist, a grifter, or otherwise trying to manipulate you. The vast majority of arguments and fights have very little to do with this; sometimes people just don't get on, for whatever reason, and have to walk away from each other.
And that brings me to the first big warning sign that you might be dealing with a fandom scam artist or grifter: they keep popping up. They don't walk away; they can't share a space without trying to take it over, they re-emerge under different names and try the same thing again, they use sockpuppets to either provide an echo chamber for themselves or to spy on you (or both). They might try both berating you for not listening to them and also accusing you of stalking them, seemingly without recognising the contradiction. They starve without attention and desperately try to get it by any means necessary.
The second big warning sign (and this one is huge), their life is constant drama. Yes, of course, real people have difficult and sometimes tumultuous lives, but what we're talking about here is next-level. They always need money for some reason or another. They're always just at the brink of starvation or being kicked out, while conspicuously spending in other areas of their life. This might take the form of begging for money to pay their rent but then the next month showing off fannish merch they bought, or straight up just begging for the fannish merch while in the next breath talking about how bare their cupboards are and how they might starve. This can sometimes be a delicate line to tread, because, yes, good people can struggle for money and also want fannish merch, but the key to it being a scam artist is that it happens over and over and over, and they never seem to sort their lives out. Sometimes these people end up effectively being financially supported by kind fans who just want to help.
The third warning sign is, and this could be a bit controversial, that they seem disconnected from reality in some way. I'm absolutely not saying that everyone who follows an unusual religion or roleplays is this by any means. But people like this take it too far; they claim that they are truly in contact with a fictional character or a celebrity, or they incorporate fandom or media into their religion in a way that suggests they're taking fandom a bit more seriously than the hobby it should be. Claiming that the fictional universe they're writing fanfiction for really exists and they are hearing the voice of their favourite character through a dimensional portal telling them the stories they write, or claiming that they are the fictional character in another life, that sort of thing. ("Kinning" the way it's used in fandom these days is honestly a yellow flag for me and if they take it any more seriously than "I identify with or relate to this character," it's a red flag.)
The fourth warning sign is that although they may be charming at first or nice to you, they are mean-spirited, cruel, and vindictive. When they talk about former friends or exes, they never have a nice word to say about them. If your own relationship with them sours, you'll notice that they start to say bad things about you, when initially they couldn't find a fault with you. They're bitter, they don't seem to care what damage they do, and it's always everyone else's fault. They tell you that everyone they knew before you abused them or rejected them. They have a very black-and-white sort of attitude about people and about life in general. People are either good or bad, no in-between, have treated them poorly (everyone in the past) or treated them well (you, while you're still in favour). When you're with them, you feel anxious and stressed after the initial charm and excitement of the friendship wears off. When the relationship breaks down, everyone who sides with or agrees with your view of things suddenly becomes your minion, as if people have no ability to make up their minds on their own. They are the central character in their own world, and it revolves around them. People they don't feel anything about (whether love or hate) don't matter.
The fifth big warning sign is that if and when you confront them about any bad behaviour, or in some cases, try to make even the smallest request that they change their behaviour, they DARVO. DARVO means "deny, attack, reverse victim and offender," and this is exactly what they do. Remember, it's never their fault: they deny every bit of misbehaviour on their own part. It's always your fault: they turn around and attack you, and they make out that they are the victim and you're the offender instead of the other way around. They can sometimes be quite overwhelming, forceful, and persuasive about this. Their aim is to make you believe you're in the wrong, and make everyone else believe it too.
The sixth warning sign is that you feel trapped in the relationship and never given any space. They're talking at you constantly, having mental health crises that only you can help with, and interrupting things going on in your real life because they need your help NOW despite the fact that you might not even know where they live or their wallet name. I absolutely get wanting to talk to a friend a lot and it's great if the energy is mutual, but they have a habit of consistently crossing your boundaries and being far too demanding for the sort of relationship you have. Internet friendships and relationships can be amazing and wonderful; my own history of meeting my husband, my ex-girlfriend, and so many many beloved friends online shows this, but you should not feel obligated to "be there" all the time for someone you haven't met in person who is many timezones away, and who you might not know that much about. It's genuinely saved my mental health so much to learn to set gentle boundaries with myself regarding how much I'll get involved in any situation, depending on how well I know the person.
And the seventh warning sign is that they just feel "off." Your gut feels wrong about them. This, in all honesty, has been the best indicator to me over the years of who to invite in and who to avoid. I'm not sure that this is true of everyone, but be aware of what your instincts, your guts, are saying about a person. If your instincts are telling to back off or stay away, listen to them, or at the very least, proceed with caution.
.
First of all, I would like to very much stress, these people are absolutely the minority in fandom. Most people in fandom are great! Most people are more or less honest, non-manipulative, and decent. Even if you have a falling-out with someone, it doesn't mean that person is a scam artist, a grifter, or otherwise trying to manipulate you. The vast majority of arguments and fights have very little to do with this; sometimes people just don't get on, for whatever reason, and have to walk away from each other.
And that brings me to the first big warning sign that you might be dealing with a fandom scam artist or grifter: they keep popping up. They don't walk away; they can't share a space without trying to take it over, they re-emerge under different names and try the same thing again, they use sockpuppets to either provide an echo chamber for themselves or to spy on you (or both). They might try both berating you for not listening to them and also accusing you of stalking them, seemingly without recognising the contradiction. They starve without attention and desperately try to get it by any means necessary.
The second big warning sign (and this one is huge), their life is constant drama. Yes, of course, real people have difficult and sometimes tumultuous lives, but what we're talking about here is next-level. They always need money for some reason or another. They're always just at the brink of starvation or being kicked out, while conspicuously spending in other areas of their life. This might take the form of begging for money to pay their rent but then the next month showing off fannish merch they bought, or straight up just begging for the fannish merch while in the next breath talking about how bare their cupboards are and how they might starve. This can sometimes be a delicate line to tread, because, yes, good people can struggle for money and also want fannish merch, but the key to it being a scam artist is that it happens over and over and over, and they never seem to sort their lives out. Sometimes these people end up effectively being financially supported by kind fans who just want to help.
The third warning sign is, and this could be a bit controversial, that they seem disconnected from reality in some way. I'm absolutely not saying that everyone who follows an unusual religion or roleplays is this by any means. But people like this take it too far; they claim that they are truly in contact with a fictional character or a celebrity, or they incorporate fandom or media into their religion in a way that suggests they're taking fandom a bit more seriously than the hobby it should be. Claiming that the fictional universe they're writing fanfiction for really exists and they are hearing the voice of their favourite character through a dimensional portal telling them the stories they write, or claiming that they are the fictional character in another life, that sort of thing. ("Kinning" the way it's used in fandom these days is honestly a yellow flag for me and if they take it any more seriously than "I identify with or relate to this character," it's a red flag.)
The fourth warning sign is that although they may be charming at first or nice to you, they are mean-spirited, cruel, and vindictive. When they talk about former friends or exes, they never have a nice word to say about them. If your own relationship with them sours, you'll notice that they start to say bad things about you, when initially they couldn't find a fault with you. They're bitter, they don't seem to care what damage they do, and it's always everyone else's fault. They tell you that everyone they knew before you abused them or rejected them. They have a very black-and-white sort of attitude about people and about life in general. People are either good or bad, no in-between, have treated them poorly (everyone in the past) or treated them well (you, while you're still in favour). When you're with them, you feel anxious and stressed after the initial charm and excitement of the friendship wears off. When the relationship breaks down, everyone who sides with or agrees with your view of things suddenly becomes your minion, as if people have no ability to make up their minds on their own. They are the central character in their own world, and it revolves around them. People they don't feel anything about (whether love or hate) don't matter.
The fifth big warning sign is that if and when you confront them about any bad behaviour, or in some cases, try to make even the smallest request that they change their behaviour, they DARVO. DARVO means "deny, attack, reverse victim and offender," and this is exactly what they do. Remember, it's never their fault: they deny every bit of misbehaviour on their own part. It's always your fault: they turn around and attack you, and they make out that they are the victim and you're the offender instead of the other way around. They can sometimes be quite overwhelming, forceful, and persuasive about this. Their aim is to make you believe you're in the wrong, and make everyone else believe it too.
The sixth warning sign is that you feel trapped in the relationship and never given any space. They're talking at you constantly, having mental health crises that only you can help with, and interrupting things going on in your real life because they need your help NOW despite the fact that you might not even know where they live or their wallet name. I absolutely get wanting to talk to a friend a lot and it's great if the energy is mutual, but they have a habit of consistently crossing your boundaries and being far too demanding for the sort of relationship you have. Internet friendships and relationships can be amazing and wonderful; my own history of meeting my husband, my ex-girlfriend, and so many many beloved friends online shows this, but you should not feel obligated to "be there" all the time for someone you haven't met in person who is many timezones away, and who you might not know that much about. It's genuinely saved my mental health so much to learn to set gentle boundaries with myself regarding how much I'll get involved in any situation, depending on how well I know the person.
And the seventh warning sign is that they just feel "off." Your gut feels wrong about them. This, in all honesty, has been the best indicator to me over the years of who to invite in and who to avoid. I'm not sure that this is true of everyone, but be aware of what your instincts, your guts, are saying about a person. If your instincts are telling to back off or stay away, listen to them, or at the very least, proceed with caution.
.
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