elwinfortuna | Breaking through the logjam

Current Mood: contemplative

Entry tags:

2022,
real life

Breaking through the logjam

A lot of what I've been feeling, mentally and physically, in the last couple of years, is "stuck," just surrounded by too much, both in my head, and in my house, to really be able to move forward properly. In a physical sense, it's the aftereffects of having to deal with everything of my mother-in-law's, which has been an impossibly slow process, hampered by health issues and Covid worries.

Two days ago, I got a load of things removed from the house, including my mother-in-law's bed. Lot of emotions around that, but ultimately I'm glad to be free of it and able to move forward. I'm actively working on clearing things up, getting things donated to charity, selling what I can, and just plain allowing myself to throw stuff out. I sometimes struggle with getting rid of things that could be useful but if it's sitting in a box or a drawer not being used ever, then it's not very useful, is it?

There's a lot more to do, but this feels like the start of really being able to get things looking like how I want them to look, have my house the way I would like it to be. My ultimate reward is getting my own office space, as we don't need a spare bedroom anymore. (I'm planning on putting in a sofa that converts into a bed, in case we have guests, but that will likely be a very rare thing.) I have a huge collection of various kinds of merch (mostly Word of Honor/Junzhe themed) that I'm planning to plaster my walls in, and really make it the sort of space I will enjoy and can relax and work in. I'm going to mount my computer monitors on the wall, and have space for doing crafts. I'll have a couple of good bookshelves as well, a cozy chair to sit and read or to play games in, and a cat bed on the windowsill for my cats to sit and look out.

So that's all good, and I'm so glad to be able to breathe a bit more easily. But even more difficult than the physical logjam is the mental one. I've really struggled with posting to social media for a long while now and I've been trying to figure out why that is. It's not a simple question.

I think on some level I'm worried that my life is kind of boring right now. Let me be clear, it's not boring to me in the moment as I live it, but I can see from the outside how it might be perceived as boring. It's not really moving forward in any clear direction. I'm still unemployed (and not likely to be employed anytime in the near future). I'm studying, yes, but I'm in the first year of what's likely to be a six-year course. I have a lot of mental and physical health things going on, but I worry that talking about them too much comes off as being complainy or whiny or consistently negative.

It's important to note that I don't feel this way about anything I see from anybody else! In fact it's the reverse, I love hearing about people's real lives, no matter how mundane the content, I don't find talking about mental or physical health issues to be whiny, and all this is just a massive set of double standards that I'm applying to myself and nobody else.

So I guess what I need to do is just break that logjam with a giant hammer, and start talking about my life, in all its mundanity. And Dreamwidth feels like the safest place to do that. I've always loved the LJ style anyway, more than any other social media. Twitter is, well, I don't think I need say much there. And Tumblr is not really a good place to talk about personal stuff. Facebook, though it's important to me, as it's the one social media pretty much everybody I know in RL has, it's such a mixed audience that I feel unable to be truly candid there.

Also Dreamwidth, as an organisation, has values and ethics I agree with and support. It's a small business in a way that none of the mainstream social media companies are, certainly not Twitter and Facebook! I feel like I can talk about anything here, in a way that I absolutely can't on Twitter and Facebook, and to some extent can't on Tumblr as well (less to do with policy and more with culture).

This is just to say, then, that I'm going to try to post more here, and just talk about my life, along with what I've been watching, reading, etc, and also doing in fandom. I remember back in the LJ days I never had any worries about posting whatever randomness came into my head, and I want to get a bit of that attitude back.

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I’m so glad that you are moving toward getting your own office space. Clearing is so hard after someone’s passing, but something like this, that you have wanted a long time, is lovely to work towards and think about.

I’m the same about posting. I was going to do a year-in-review kind of thing, as it mostly feels like work and the odd bits of creativity I can grab, but there has been some nice times.

I love to read about people’s lives if they feel inclined to share :)

It occurs to me that never before in my life have I had the opportunity (+ money + time) to decorate and arrange a space entirely to my own desires and tastes without having to take anybody else's wishes or needs into account, so it's something new, something just for me, and that's really exciting.

I'm looking forward to your year-in-review! It's always interesting to look back and see what the year has been, both high points and low points.

Yes, it is lovely to be able to do something for yourself without wondering how to fit it around everyone else :)

Yeah, I remember posting all kinds of random things in LJ days and my life was not any more interesting then than now!

As part of moving forward, I think the idea of posting more is a great one, and I hope to see you around!

❤️

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about posting, I feel very much the same - it's hard when life just goes on, and there's nothing really new or different to post about. (And the things that are are about a fandom that nobody here shares.)

I hope you will feel able to post more, it is good to have that contact with other people's lives.

You're right, it is good to feel 'in touch' with other people. It's been really tough the last couple of years: I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends I've actually been able to see in person since March 2020, and while I have a couple of neighbours I chat with, there's nothing like talking to people with whom you share common interests.

I for one always like hearing about fandom and fannish interests even if I don't necessarily share them! I've read so much meta about comics because someone on my friends list here is into them, even though comics are not my thing. I've also picked up canons because somebody talked about them and they sounded relevant to my interests; sometimes I went on to be fannish about them as well.

So glad you are getting control of your own space. And I love it when people post about their lives here!

Despite having lived in this house for 15 years, it's never truly felt like my (or our) own space; partly because the house had just been recently redecorated when we moved in, so we didn't change much. After 15 years, it's in need of redecoration again, so once everything that needs to be removed is gone and I have my office space, I'm hoping to sort it out properly and bring things up to date.

I’m glad you’re getting your physical surroundings set up as you would like them. It does seem like such a struggle to deal with an entire house.

I struggle too with feeling whiny, but I always feel better when I’ve got something out of my system. And Dreamwidth does seem like such a welcoming place to post, like being among fannish friends than any other social media.

*hugs* to taking care of yourself and moving forward.

There are many reasons why Dreamwidth (and LJ before it fell into the abyss) is so welcoming and safe, I could write an entire post about it (and might), but it really comes down to money and how they make it. It's such a relief for the eyes and brain to be on a site that doesn't have constant ads, for one thing!

Yes, sometimes it's really difficult to say what you really think on FB (I seldom use Twitter), simply because someone is bound to say something negative about your post! I did start posting a daily thankfulness post, but even there was getting too much snark, so stopped. Whereas here, which is semi-private, one can be far more real.

Facebook and Twitter are both places where people seem to object to ideas and opinions for the sake of it or to try and look cool. Twitter is especially bad for this, and getting worse all the time; I've honestly felt sometimes that if it disappeared into the void, I'd just feel a sense of relief. Facebook for me isn't too bad; most of the people I know are pretty reasonable, even old high school acquaintances, but it's exhausting to read just because there are so many ads and things that I'm not interested in taking up the view.

I have a rule that if I'm on Facebook or Twitter and I find myself getting increasingly worked up or annoyed, I have to stop engaging and step away for a while. That's helped, but it's a shame that I have to have a rule like that. I've sometimes needed to use that rule on Tumblr too, but never so far on Dreamwidth.

I've certainly unfriended one or two people on Facebook who were either relentlessly negative or compulsive virtue-signallers telling me I shouldn't be doing whatever it was I was thankful for, because climate change, or plastic, or fairy dust, or something! So irritating! I once unfriended two people - the first apologised profusely and I refriended her at once; the second thought she'd apologised, but made it all about her and what she wanted or did in the circumstances. No thank you!

I'm glad you've been able to reclaim your space! I also struggle to get rid of things, but I feel better after I do it.

I hear you about social media. I always feel the need to be "on brand" when I post on Twitter and tumblr, Facebook is a hot mess with too many in person implications... I am still getting used to being on dreamwidth, and I am always worried that I'm being Too Much if I post anything that's not directly related to my fanwork.

Also, hi! Sorry for the random comment! I found you on the MDZS/CQL friending meme :)

Edited 2022-12-08 05:15 (UTC)

Hi! I'm so excited to meet you!

I am always worried that I'm being Too Much if I post anything that's not directly related to my fanwork

I think one of the many things I love about Dreamwidth (and LJ before it), is that when you subscribe to someone's journal, you're following them as a person. You're interested in them, not only their fanworks. So posting about real life and what's going on for you is a good thing.

These days with modern social media, I think there is a lot of pressure to be "on brand" and a fear that people won't be interested or engaged with mundane details of your life. I absolutely know that fear and I want to get rid of it, and get back to the sense of feeling free to talk about whatever's on my mind in a safe place.

I met my husband (as well as two other ex-partners, and a host of friends I still have to this day) on LiveJournal back in the day, and I can verify for certain that journaling sites like this build relationships really well. I've met people I like and am friends with on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr as well, of course, but nothing solidifies a friendship like hearing about someone as a whole person, not just a fanwork creator or a "brand." So definitely, yes, please, I for one would love to hear about your life and what you're doing, no matter how mundane.

I would be very happy to see you here more.

<3

I always love seeing your posts and what's going on with you.

*makes encouraging noises*

I'm a bit rubbish at actually remembering to comment on things, but I enjoy reading about your life and whatever media you've been consuming/enjoying lately, so I'll be glad if you're posting more. :)

I have been enjoying my Cdramas so much lately and should definitely post more about them!

I think how social media functions nowadays, it feels kind of weird talking about mundane things or health issues etc., because in spaces like twitter, one is either concerned with posting cool takes on something or not complaining too much lest other people flood the post with anti comments and being shitty about it. It just invites negativity. And yes to tumblr, I also use it for fannish stuff almost exclusively and don’t post personal things, except perhaps about my pets. It doesn’t feel private enough.

The journal style actually is good for these kinds of posts, as it started as this kind of daily journal idea or diary thing. I’ve been enjoying the small revival of DW over the last few weeks and it seems that many other people are too. In this rushing world of social media, where everyone is chasing the most likes etc., it feels calmer and slowed down.

I feel like I jumped right back into posting how I did it in the LJ days. I post about my RL woes, too, and it’s also not terribly exciting. XD But people can skip it if it doesn’t interest them.

I think it’s so goiod that you'll finally get your own office space and can really make it yours! You have some great ideas already, it’ll be awesome when you’re done!

Clearing out a household seems like a lot of work… My grandma is very old and so we’ve had to think about that, too, what we’ll do then. There’ll be a whole house to take care off, and she’s got lots of stuff. Though the tentative plan is for me to later move into the house.

Absolutely agree!

I really love the calmer pace of DW. It's more restful on the eyes too, as there aren't ads everywhere.

Yes, clearing out a household is a lot. My mother-in-law lived with us for the last three years of her life, and a great deal of her things are here, but we still have her house itself to deal with. We've been trying to sort it as and when we have time but it's difficult.

These things can be hard to approach, but if at all possible, it might be helpful to work on clearing out some things while the person is still around and can help, even if just saying where things should go. It can be very meaningful and loving to pass particularly special possessions down in person rather than waiting until after death. My grandparents gave me some books of theirs the last time I saw them (in 2012) and I really treasure those because of the memories that are connected with them.

I have a lump in my throat seeing my husband wearing a jumper I knitted for my father at least 30 years ago, if not longer! But silly to throw out perfectly good jumpers just because the original wearer has died. I'm wearing one of his scarves... and I believe my son-in-law acquired most of his suits.

OMG the awful ads! Open any website and you have to x at least three different ads and cookie notices and subscription buttons or whatever.

My grandma might already have talked with my parents about some things. We’ve definitely had a look at her jewellery, mostly to get the actual expensive stuff to the safe at the bank and not have it lying around at her house. She’s already told me I can have whatever I like from that. (*/ω＼*) She’s got some pretty silver necklace pendants that I‘ll surely wear, but she’s also got a lot of gold that just isn’t my style.
There aren’t many books, unfortunately, though there are several big photo albums my uncle made while he was still alive. She and my grandpa gave me a lot of great gifts over the years; especially when I was younger, my grandpa loved gifting me informative books about nature or history and I still have all of them- :D

I’m glad you could have that connection with your grandparents, too!

It's weird, isn't it. We all used to post so often and it felt effortless, and now... it doesn't, though really, it's got easier at least in terms of having technology and connectivity. But I guess that comes with a whole new set of personal internal censors.

Sometimes I look back at my LJ posts from the early 2000s and just cringe but also I'm a little bit envious of me from back then, just saying what was on my mind without worrying too much about it. I want to get some of that feeling back, and stop overthinking everything I say.

I've been wondering about this as well. I keep using the "I've been busy" excuse, but that didn't used to stop me.

I'm glad you're getting your own office space.

It really does feel like here is the only place on the modern internet where it's okay to be authentic. I'm glad you're going to be posting more; I always enjoy reading how other peoples' lives are going. And I do wonder how you're doing when you aren't posting. <3

The though of a perfect new office space is exciting! I would be more than happy to hear whatever you have to post.

Office space sounds great!

The past few years -- even before COVID -- have been so horrible and traumatizing and so many people have suffered so much loss -- it's logjams all the way down, I think! I found this icon which seems scarily appropriate!

I'm glad to hear the jam is starting to break up: and a room of your own will be wonderful, I think. I loved the plans you have for it and would like to hear more. Thank you for your post--it's an inspiration!

I've been having the exact same mental logjam (went to check, and I haven't posted since early January 2022, dropping out of the Snowflake Challenge, sigh, which I'm not even going to try this coming year)--it was horrific in 2020, and we moved in the fall (which helped--escaping from Texas to Bellingham, Washington was WONDERFUL--but was also exhausting). I'm getting back into writing my academic stuff, and hope that the creative stuff comes back to, but yes, a huge block for Dreamwidth.

I spent five minutes on Twitter and fled, and although Facebook was OK for a while, it's so horrible I'm leaving by the end of this month, determined to start posting again on Dreamwidth. I bounced off Tumblr hard, at least three times.

I've been reading on DW all along, though only sporadically commenting (going to change that too I hope), and as you, I enjoy reading what other people are writing about, any topics, but especially what they're reading, what they're grateful for, what's happening in their lives, but when I think about trying to post that sort of thing myself, I freeze up (mine isn't quite a logjam, apparently but sporadic icing over?).

And I think your plan for getting a big hammer (which would work on ice!) and trying to get back to what I also remember doing which was posting about anything and everything and just. having. fun. I also have to smack my obsessive/perfectionist mania down because that keeps me from being able just to dash something off (which I used to do on DW especially!).

So my DW will be for all my personal/fun stuff -- I'm setting up a Substack for my Tolkien and scholarship stuff (will talk about Tolkien stuff here, but the Substack newsletter will be more about the scholarly writing and activities I pursue).

Congratulations on reclaiming your living space. It will have an effect on your mental space.

I am very happy to read about daily life and at least with Dreamwidth/lj you have the option of limiting your posts to a select few if you need to. My own post ramble on about anything and everything.

I feel like I can talk about anything here, in a way that I absolutely can't on Twitter and Facebook, and to some extent can't on Tumblr as well (less to do with policy and more with culture).
Dreamwidth doesn't have the angstfest that larger platforms have.

I remember back in the LJ days I never had any worries about posting whatever randomness came into my head, and I want to get a bit of that attitude back.
Slowly but surely, as the saying goes.

You're going through major changes in your life, hope the 'stuck' feeling will disappear.

So it turns out that decluttering efforts can, in fact, save someone else's Christmas. (Twitter link, a giant unicorn we bought years ago - and then left in a pile out of sight - turns out to be unavailable and the only thing a friend's small child wants for Christmas...)

I like seeing people's random thoughts on DW or glimpses of their daily lives that they feel like sharing! I often don't manage to comment, but I enjoy reading them.

Also Dreamwidth, as an organisation, has values and ethics I agree with and support. Same, and I'm even more grateful for that now, with the mess Twitter has become.

I relate very deeply to all of this. <3

Very best of luck with the ongoing sorting/clearing efforts. A dedicated office space sounds lovely - and of course it is very important that your merch collection gets the space it deserves :D

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Breaking through the logjam

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